School refusal: How to help your child overcome it

Families and school systems across the world are struggling with school refusal, a problem that can strain family relationships and is associated with significant mental distress in young people.

Australia isn’t immune. School refusal isn’t new, but the COVID-19 pandemic and its significant impact on schooling through lockdowns has thrown a spotlight on the issue.

As the Senate report into school refusal released last August made clear, the problem is complicated.

What is school refusal?

School reluctance and refusal are deceptively complex issues that are often misunderstood – a child is experiencing school reluctance if they’re unwilling to attend school, but are still attending; a child is experiencing school refusal if they have difficulties attending and/or remaining at school due to emotional distress about attending school.

School refusal is usually driven by a child’s attempt to manage overwhelming difficulties related to school attendance, rather than by disobedience or defiance.

School refusal is equally common between genders. While it can show up any time, it’s often during transition points into primary or secondary school.

Although it’s widely used, the term “school refusal” isn’t universally accepted. The word “refusal” can imply a child-motivated defiance, but there are numerous individual (child), family, school, community and other circumstances that can contribute to a child’s difficulty attending school.

Many young people may desperately want to go to school, but feel they can’t. For these reasons, some families and professionals prefer alternative terms such as “school can’t”, or “school avoidance”.

The school environment plays a crucial role in fostering social and emotional development. Attending school can build resilience and confidence, and keeps your child connected with their peers and learning. School absences arising from school refusal can lead to a range of consequences, including missing out on education, exiting school early, difficulties with friendships/peer relationships, and later problems with working life (for example, unemployment).

Missing school can also contribute to mental health problems, conflict and strained relationships within the family, and decreased income in the family (such as if family members stay home from work to care for the child).

Here are some strategies to help your child attend school.

It’s important to address school reluctance or refusal

Doing what you can to support your child’s school engagement can minimise potential negative consequences of not attending, such as missing out on education and friendships, and an increased risk of mental health problems.

Understand the cycle of anxiety and avoidance

Avoiding school can alleviate a child’s anxiety in the short term, but longer term it’s likely to reduce their confidence and make them even more anxious about attending school.

Look beneath the surface

Children’s protests and absences are just the tip of the iceberg. The first step toward helping them is to consider what might be contributing to their difficulties, including any personal stressors, problems at school, and challenges affecting family life.

Talk with your child and listen to them

As soon as you notice your child is finding it difficult to go to school, try to talk with them about what they think the reasons are. Really listen, and don’t rush into problem-solving.

Decide on the best schooling option for your child

Once you’ve spent time identifying the factors contributing to your child’s difficulties, then consider the best schooling option for your child. This might involve exploring alternative learning pathways or settings. Have these discussions with your child, their teachers and any other relevant professionals, bearing in mind the possibility of their difficulties carrying over to other settings.

Work as a team to address underlying causes of your child’s school reluctance or refusal

Parents may need help figuring out what’s driving their child’s reluctance to attend school, so speaking to their school and, if needed, a health professional. Once you have a clear shared understanding of the reasons your child is reluctant or refusing to attend school, it’s important that you, your child, school staff and any health professionals involved work to address these collaboratively.

Make a plan to work towards your child’s attendance goals

Once you’ve made some progress addressing the issues that underlie your child’s attendance difficulties, a next step is to create a plan to support their return to school, or to increase their attendance (in line with their goals).

These recommendations are based on the consensus of international experts who have supported many families facing the issue of school refusal.

The full list of recommendations can be found in Responding to School Reluctance or Refusal: Strategies for Parents, a set of evidence-based parenting guidelines our team recently published to support parents of primary and secondary school-aged children who are struggling with school attendance.

This is an edited extract from an article that was first published in PSYCHE, and was co-authored by clinical psychologist Associate Professor Glenn Melvin, from Deakin University.